thedailyinquisition

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Archive for the month “April, 2012”

Reality TV Idea….I’m Gonna Make a Million Bucks!

Ok, so hear me out. This might get a little rude, but try to follow me all the way to the finish.

I don’t know that I’ve successfully watched an entire episode of “The Biggest Loser” but I get the concept. A bunch of people who are overweight (mostly seriously so) try to lose the most combined weight while doing ridiculous things to entertain people. My problem with the show is that most people only watch it to make fun of obese people and to make themselves feel better about their weight. I feel that the network is exploiting them. That’s just my take, but like I said, hear me out…

So I am also having a weight problem. I just weighed myself with my clothes and shoes on and the scale (that lying bastard of a scale) says that I am 200 pounds even. I’m 5’8″ and my ideal weight is supposed to be like 150 or 145. So, according to my arch-nemesis, I am 50 to 55 pounds overweight. Coincidentally, that’s about the weight of my dog. So somehow it makes me better to make a completely delusional connection with her for blame.  Damn bewitched devil dog!!!

Anyway, I am currently starting a diet/exercise routine to shed some pounds. I was thinking to myself, “Hey self, you handsome and awesome self you, if you do this you have to do it right. Don’t just lose ten pounds and then gain it all back.” That somehow led to the thought of me actually trying to stuff myself to gain weight, which then led to my greatest idea ever!

So here is what we do. We get a slew of supermodels and great looking people in the prime of their lives……and we fatten them up. We’ll call it, “The Biggest Gainer” or “The Biggest Losers who Gain Weight”. Now, I realize that my idea stems partly from my spite of people in great shape and partly from my own twisted sense of humor, but come on. Tell me that if there were 30 really fit and good-looking people stuffing their way into a coronary you wouldn’t watch it? Sure, you might not want to admit you’d watch it. Just like when you’re sitting at home watching swamp people and when you come to work all you talk about is the documentary you watched on Discovery, but you’d watch it. I can see you now…sitting on your couch, stuffing your face with popcorn. You disgust me…wait….

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I’m A Crazy Man!

Yeah, that’s right. I’m a drooling, babbling, lunatic of a person. Well, not really, but sometimes I let my ego get to me.

On Saturday my friend was having a big crawfish boil. It was his birthday and he has this fascination with buying way more than we will eat and stuffing ourselves until we are sitting down and saying, “I ate way too much crawfish.” So we were headed to the store, and as we were headed out of the neighborhood, some jackass was parked in the middle of the street talking to his girlfriend. My friend waited about thirty seconds and then honked at the guy. The guy honked back and we drove down to the stop sign honking at each other in some sort of weird ritualistic ego battle.

At the stop sign the guy opens his door and leans out throwing his hands up. He then begins to yell profanities at our car. I, being the completely level-headed and “cool as a cucumber” person I am, jump out of the car and walk up to his door.

Luckily, the guy shuts and locks his door and rolls over to present the underside of his belly. I say luckily because even though I’m all tattooed up and I work out every now and then, I’m still pretty out of shape and haven’t been in an actual fight in years (although I have taken jiu-jitsu lately…so I’m pretty much Chuck Norris…). Actually, as I was walking up to the car I was hoping he wasn’t some badass or that he didn’t have a gun. I realize I should have just stayed in the car, but sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me. I’m a little too brave for my own good. As I’ve heard before, there is a fine line between bravery and stupidity.

With the puffing out my chest and intelligent commentary, including: “What’s up!?”, “What the fuck is your problem!?”, and ultimately befuddling, “Why are you parked in the middle of the road, and you honked…YOU HONKED!!!!”, I turn around and walk back to my car. Of course, this is not before he can yell, “You better run back to your car!” I pay him no mind as there are now a line of cars behind us and I don’t want to be a jerk to them. I’ve been enough of an asshole for one morning.

My friend then cuts the guys off and they are speeding down the street trying to impress each other with their cars and maneuvers and I’m yelling at him to stop. That was pretty much the end of the altercation.

While I do like to mix it up a bit, the complete lack of regard for my own safety probably was a bad call on my part. We were locked in some sort of testosterone war. Many of you women reading this won’t understand because it’s a male thing (although I have seen my mom drag another woman out of her car and punch her repeatedly). It’s in our nature to do things like this, at least when we are young and still have something to prove…which apparently I do. I think it’s the fact that I’m feeling bad about my physical shape and lack of adventure. Or maybe I just need to start a fight club….but the first rule of fight club strictly states that I’m not allowed to talk about fight club, so apparently I can’t invite anyone. So it will just be me…fighting imaginary foes. Which should at least be fun to watch.

 

 

New Literary Worx Post

I’m locked up, they won’t let me out. Nooooo, they won’t let me out.

Concrete and Razor Wire

Anyone ever think…

…about things that are normal everyday things but when it hits you at the right moment they seem so strange?

I remember this one time I was eating shrimp and I stopped with the shrimp and was just staring at it on my fork. My wife gave my this funny look and asked what I was doing. For some reason I all of a sudden realized that a shrimp was this whole animal. It wasn’t like a limb of a chicken, or muscle of a cow, or some detached part. It is the entire animal. Well, maybe not the head…but some people serve them with the heads also. All the sudden I got this weird image of me as a giant reaching down and just picking up creatures and devouring them whole. Kind of put things in perspective.

There was another time when I was doing something and I looked down at my hands and they seemed so completely foreign. I was trying to imagine what weird sense of humor God must have that he put these little stubby meats bones protruding out from my arms. If aliens ever did visit earth they’d probably take one look at us and be like, “Man, those things are fucked up!”. Then I’m sure there would be some other, more democratic alien that would tell him that we are beings too and we deserve the same respect and he’d still be thinking how strange we look and how he’d never have a human hybrid baby. I bet somewhere in some nearby galaxy we’re already the butt of some joke.

Maybe I’m the only one who has these sudden epiphanies about everyday things, I don’t know. Like how people first thought of trying certain foods or why do forks normally have four prongs all in a line. Wouldn’t it make more sense to have something with an array of prongs for efficiency? Then again maybe there is a Forkiologist sitting in a lab somewhere coming up with and theorizing fork theology for the future. Who am I to kill his dream?

New Literary Worx Post

I finished playing my league game tonight so I was inspired to write something about my favorite hobby(although the story probably isn’t what you think):

The Game of 8-Ball

Sick Like Rick

I’m not sure which Rick I’m referring to. My wife has an uncle named Rick, but he’s the picture of health. As a matter of fact, he’s the only 60 year old I know that surfs, skateboards, and plays the didgeridoo professionally.

I woke up this morning feeling like crap. I get these migraines that render my pretty much unable to function. I got one at work one time and I had to lay down in a conference room for four hours in the dark. The cleaning lady got quite a shock when she walked in and saw me on the floor. She probably thought I was dead. I finally felt well enough to drive (big mistake). I spent the drive with my head hanging out of the car puking on the side of the road. The lovely motorists were nice enough to honk their horns and yell at me while I was doing so.

Today, I decided not to try to brave the traffic. I have pretty much been sleeping all day trying to get my head to stop hurting. I feel like someone is reaching in my brain and scrambling it up a bit. Needless to say, I wouldn’t expect any literary breakthroughs today. As a matter of fact, this will probably be my only post.

I hope that no one else is feeling like I am today. I’ll be back tomorrow, refreshed and feeling much better.

New Literary Worx Post

…this one is sort of….out there…

It shouldn’t surprise some of you, but this isn’t my normal writing. I felt like being a little comical and weird at the same time.

Super Denny

Insert Title Here

So…another morning drive rant. Yay! And I couldn’t think of a title…so…I didn’t put one. ‘Cause I’m just cool like that.

I was driving in on the lovely Westpark, which is completely not cluttered with trash, surrounded by shady car dealerships, and definitely does not make me want to lock my doors. Anyway, I was driving down the road when I see this guy pull in to a gas station.

Some background on the gas station. I’ve been taking the same route to work for about two years now and every day I pass about forty illegal immigrants standing or sitting idly, waiting for work. Now, in fairness, they might not all be illegal immigrants. Maybe some of them are perfectly legal citizens that can’t find jobs, or maybe that gas station is just so awesome that it attracts people to it likes moths to a flame.

Back to the car. So this guy pulls up and honks his horn. He then proceeds to roll down his passenger windows just a crack. Two guys run up to his passenger side and a third goes to the drivers side and starts yelling through his window. After about thirty seconds the guy on the drivers side decides that he isn’t being listened to and sulks off, defeated. The other two are still talking furiously into the windows of the car.

My light turns green and I have to drive on at this point. Well, not have to, but I somehow think the guy behind me might be pissed if I just sit there and stare at this conversation. What I was thinking  about was all these people. I’m sure they are people’s brothers, husbands, sons, etc. This isn’t going to be a pro-immigration article. As I said before, I’m not even sure of their legal status. I just wanted to point out that these fellow human beings are sitting beside the road just hoping for a chance to work so that they can feed themselves or their families.

It kind of makes me sick that I sit in my nice air conditioned office every day. I try to fill my hours with non-work related things just to pass the time, when these guys are working their asses off for a fraction of the pay. That said, I’m sure as hell not going to go sit outside of a gas station trying to flag down cars so that I can clean someones septic tank. I’ll keep taking advantage of my company as long as they keep paying me to do it. But it’s still sad though…

By the way, I don’t just do these things instead of work. As mentioned earlier, my job just doesn’t give me enough work do fill my days. I have to invent things to do or else I get bored. Maybe I’ll hire one of these guys to sit in my office and hang out with me. I don’t speak much Spanish, but I’m sure we could create a system of head nods or flag waves that would work. That’s right y’all. I’m saving the world…one person at a time. You’re welcome.

New Literary Worx Post

Bringing it to you space style…

The Encounter

The Fun Loving Hell Hammer

You’ve probably read the title and tried to guess what this article will be about. Is it about a jubilant viking? Perhaps it is about a personified demonic hammer that just wants to have a good time? I’m sorry to let you down folks, but this is about the culmination of two things I never expected to see: a Nissan Cube and Heavy Metal.

I happened upon it while coming out of a store. There it was, in all of its cubey glory. It’s exterior was white, like the color of purity and valiance. A lot of people don’t really like the Nissan Cube. They probably find it a little too futuristic compared to the average car. Actually, its always reminded me of a fish tank that sat in my childhood dentist’s office. As a result, I can’t help but think about a fish tank on wheels when I see them.

You can imagine then, when I passed the rear window and saw a big bloody “Hell Hammer” written across the back, why I was so taken aback. I really wish I had taken a picture so you would have a visual, but I’m not too quick on my feet I guess. You’ll just have to use your imagination.

I’d like to think the abomination was born out of the two possible outcomes:

1) A husband and wife went to buy a car. The husband was cajoled by his wife to purchase a Cube for her. His vehicle was then damaged, stolen, etc. and he was forced to drive the Cube to work every day. In retaliation he purchased the a fore mentioned decal to help him salvage some of his manhood.

2) Someone from the band Hell Hammer won a Nissan Cube in a contest.

 

I’m sure there are other possibilities, including the reality where the car’s name is actually Hell Hammer and it was forged in the depths of Mordor with brimstone and all that is evil. Though its fun to think about, I’m doubting so due to the hula-skirt bobble head sitting on the dash.

 

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