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Archive for the month “May, 2012”

Snoochie Boochies

Hello. I don’t have much time. My schedule has been pretty full with writing, work, and being a slacker.

I just wanted to let you know that I will be reading your wonderful, wonderful blogs soon and that I will be posting something more than this little catch-me-up post.

As a consolation prize I’m buying everyone a can of kidney beans. Just reply with your address and your kidney beans will be shortly in the mail…or I’ll stalk you for the next ten years. It’s a toss up really.

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Fingers of Fury

Smoke emits from my keyboard. My finger tips glow like irons in a fire. Words race across the page.

What’s that I’m doing? Oh, just writing about a million articles for contests. Nothing to see here….unless you enjoy hand injuries. Today I’ve been researching writing contests in an attempt to submit articles as a supplementary source of income. Unfortunately, there are hundreds of these and while I may be able to submit duplicate articles to some, others require very specific subject matter and length.

On top of that, there are fees for entering certain contests, and admittedly rewards. The fees really add up. I wasn’t thinking when I put a $15 entry here, a $20 entry there, but now I’m somewhere in the 300s (if I complete all of them…which I won’t). If I fail at my objective, I’m not only getting rejected, but I’m losing all my entry fees as well.

To be honest, I’m only dramatizing it. I will only submit to a handful of them because I have limited funding. I’ll probably end up spending 50-100 dollars in the next two months. If I win a single contest I could recoup all my losses. However, if I lose all of them (which is more likely as this is my first attempt at competition writing), I will be even broker than before.

The good news is that I’ll get to read lots of, hopefully, creative rejection letters.

“Dear Sir or Madam,

We regret to inform you that while you think your story worthy of publication, we do not.

Regretfully(for having read your entry)

Evil Corp”

Confidence Kenneth! Confidence! I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it…PEOPLE LIKE ME!!!

Might I Trouble You For a Bit of A Read, Govna?

All British people sound like that, right? I’ve seen My Fair Lady. I know what the common folk are like…

Ok, maybe not, but I have experienced my fair share of international language differences. British English is definitely a lot different from American English. For one, the vocabulary (at least in my business conferences) is far better. I personally prefer the way Brits say “brilliant” in place of our word “great”. Although, I have to admit when I am on the phone and I say, “Yeah, that sounds great.” and I hear someone say, “Yes, it’s brilliant.” I feel like they’re trying to upstage me. In fairness, we use the word great in a way that isn’t all-together logical. I mean, it works for us, but great is more of a measure of something than an expression of intellectual aptitute of an idea. But I digress….

The reason I’m even talking about this is because I went to the book store and was browsing through their selection of help books for writing. After skimming a few pages I settled on a book by a woman named Della Galton. She is British. It’s not that her verbage was much different, but there were slight differences, such as the words “colour”, “tyre”, and familiarity with Scottish dialect that she keeps reffering to as if I hear it all the time. The closest I get to Scottish is watching “Braveheart”. Even then I’m wathing an American pretend to be Scottish.

It’s not just Brits that throw me off though. I have to be completely honest when I say that most of these people are speaking out of their native language, which I highly admire and envy. A polish guy told me a joke once. It went like this:

“What do you call someone who speaks three languages?….Trilingual

What do you call someone who speaks two languages?….Bilingual

What do you call someone who speaks one language?….American”

And a good laugh was had  by all, despite that fact that I said monolingual to the last one and almost threw the whole joke off. I think the thing that most Europeans forget though is that in America we don’t live next to a bunch of other countries that speak different languages. With the exception of Mexico, which borders only one side of the country, we are surrounded only by predominantly English-speaking people. We don’t commute to places where people speak other languages.

In that respect I am very jealous. I feel that we are lacking a lot of culture that other countries are deeply immersed in. It’s probably due to the fact that we were founded by a bunch of pillaging pilgrims who tried to abolish everything fun. Their idea of a good time was burning witches and working their fingers to the bone.

If you are from another country, I’d love to get your perspective on funny things that us American’s say. I’m always looking for outside perspective. 🙂

10 Ways to Know You’re In the 21st Century

This post was spontaneously invoked by my children. Sit back, relax, and be regaled by my awesomeness.

1) Your first assumption when someone is talking to themselves is not that they are crazy, but rather that they are wearing a wireless headset for their cellphone.

2) You know the acronyms OMG, LOL, and ROFL, yet you don’t know what R.S.V.P. stands for.

3) You can remember the passwords to all your blogs, emails, and social networking sites but you don’t remember where Yugoslavia is located on a map.

4) You gave up actual vocal conversation years ago, and now only communicate with other humans through text.

5) You spend more time on the internet than sleeping and eating combined.

6) The last time you bought a gift in an actual store was the first day you had your internet service turned on.

7) Your 1.5 year old isn’t yet potty trained, but has no problem loading and playing a DVD on the XBOX. (Personal experience)

8) If you had as many dollars as you did lifetime keystrokes, you’d be a billionaire.

9) You have seen more than your fair share of cat memes.

10) You know what the word meme means.

 

I hope that you enjoyed reading these as much as I did writing them. I know #10 was kind of anti-climatic. I feel like I kind of robbed you a bit, so here is a bonus one.

11) Despite all your efforts, your online persona is way cooler than your actual self.

Not that I’m not cool….people like me…they just don’t like to stand near me…or have actual conversations with me. I’m so lonely….lol

10 Things I Learned from Barbarella

I worked from home today. Honestly, I just didn’t feel like spending the extra 2 hours driving. Plus, I can kind of do that since my boss only shows up 2 days out of the month.

Part of today’s events included watching Barbarella. It’s sat in my queue for a long time but until yet I have not watched it. Now that I have, I have to say that I’ve learned a few things…

1) People in the 60s had it good. I mean, half of the movie was sex and the other half was people trying to have sex. I somehow feel like we’re going away from the natural progression of things. It went dark ages, pilgrims, civil wars, SEXY TIME, science and computers. It was like all the people in the 60s used of the sex for the rest of the ages. Don’t be so damn greedy 60s.

2)Everyone in the future will wear a cape. Despite the inability to fly (sans flying angel), people just find it cool to wear capes in the future. I’m not sure if this was influenced by Adam West, or if capes were just all the rage in 1968.

3)Every time someone helps you out, you have to sleep with them. I know this goes back to the sex things, but jeez. If someone opens a door for you, don’t just drop your drawers. I think there is a proper sequence of events. An introduction would be nice for starters. It doesn’t have to be an entire history or genealogy, but a name would be cool…

4)Angels don’t make love, they are love. Despite the fact that he just had sex with Barbarella, he now “doesn’t make love”. He’s like…the only person in the 60s not giving it out like candy. Prude ass angels…

5)If you don’t have some sort of masochistic fantasy and cosplay gear, you will not make it in the future. Along with the capes were all sorts of weird attire including a horn on your head, being made partly of stone, and leather bike shorts. I’m almost entirely certain that this is the period that is responsible for stripper clothes. For that I thank and condemn you.

6)Children of the future are cruel bastards. I mean both of these literally. Apparently they have no parents and just hang out by an ice lake ready to abduct half-naked space travelers. Then they turn these little demonic, razor toothed dolls on them. If you never had a fear of dolls, this movie will help you out.

7)Apparently everything in the future works on sound and emotion. No technical knowledge is needed. I guess this is good news for all those teenagers in angst who learned to play keyboard or guitar. They’re practically gods in the future. The only thing you have to do is knock on a piece of machinery and it will make sounds indicating what’s wrong with it. I tried this with my car, but it appears we are not ready for that technology yet. Maybe someday…

8)Saying, “And in the final crescendo, you will die of pleasure!” does not turn women on. As a matter of fact you just look creepy when you say it and, if accompanied by a giant futuristic organ, you probably will never get laid ever again. On the other hand, you may get roles playing the Phantom of the Opera or Quasimodo.

9)Every time someone tries to kill you, you should immediately escape death and then joke about it with them. As a matter of fact you can just stand around after averting it and you will be okay. This is probably why the crime rate was so bad in the 60s….either that or it was because everyone was always out of their mind.

Oh, you just tried to shoot me.No, its okay. Sure I’ll help you go do this one thing. No, no problem at all. Hey, while we’re at it we might as well have sex. I mean, I haven’t had sex in like 5 minutes.

10)When you have sex in the future, at least by pill form, it will make your hair curl and your fingers smoke. As a matter of fact I’m taking this time to create the first ever “Non-Curling Sex Spray”. It’s light years ahead of its time and I will make billions in about 3500 years. By then a billion might not be that much, so let me take a page from Dr. Evil and say, “One Gazillion Dollars!” My patented “Non-Curling Sex Spray” TM will only be available in a limited supply, so get yours while your sex hair is still straight. Also, coming soon, “Smoke Free Sex Gloves”. Yours free with every purchase of leather cape.

Mother’s Day Roid Rage

I had the great idea to take my oldest girl to the store to get a mother’s day card. I am saying it sarcastically because a 4 year old doesn’t necessarily have the best taste in cards. I wanted it to be “from her” but at the same time I couldn’t see buying the 9 dollar singing happy anniversary card for my wife for mother’s day. We did finally settle on a card though. It was two giraffes kissing and the inside said, “No matter how big I get, I’ll always look up to you.”

After a brief argument over the envelope it was going to go in (she insisted on a purple one that was half the size), we walked up to the counter and stood behind a man who was trying to purchase his wife a mother’s day present. It was a hemroid toilet cushion.

I wouldn’t say it was his mother’s day present if the guy hadn’t said, “I’m getting this for my wife for mother’s day, she really needs it.” So now this guy not only is going to impress his wife with his thoughtful gift, but now he’s announced to the clerk, whom his wife and him probably see monthly, that his wife has a bad case of the roids. Husband of the Year Award for sure.

The issue was that this guy had actually bought one in advance and apparently spent too much money on the latest hemroid technology. Now he was trying to trade it for something cheaper so that he could also buy some flowers and a bottle of wine. Call me old fashioned, but flowers, wine, and a toilet cushion don’t seem to go well together.

I can just imagine this guy getting home and presenting all this to his wife. First the flowers, to catch her off-guard, then you pour her a few glasses of wine, and then you pull out the toilet ring. If she’s drunk enough by this point, you might sneak it in without her noticing. Or…you might get a really weird look. On the other hand, she might be one of those people who enjoys practical gifts more than ones that benefit the occasion. I’ll give him credit for going against the grain. You’re a rebel Mr. Hemroid Ring Man!

Of course, I’m probably just being an ass about the whole thing. I’m sure his wife got it and she was the happiest hemroid ridden woman in the world. I bet she hobbled (no offense Hobbler) over to him and gave him a big (although non-straining) hug and then sat on her nice cushiony chair. Actually, like most women, she probably developed them from pregnancy and I’m poking fun at a new mother and I’m going to be stoned and castrated by every woman reading this. In that case, it’s been a good ride manhood, way to take one for the team.

 

Mother’s Day Extravaganza

Come one, come all to see the attraction!

In case you are wondering, NO neither of those women is my mother….however….the one on the left is my aunt, and the one on the right is my grandmother. Now, you may look at this picture (which is admittedly cropped) and see a hillbilly woman with missing teeth and an old lady doing the “bitter beer face”, but I see…..well, I see the same thing. Don’t worry, I’m not judging you.

The truth is that family is just weird and funny. Which kind of explains me. I did crop out my mom, sister, and two daughters because while they were making strange faces, it wasn’t nearly as funny as these two. It’s not that they are hillbillies. We live in a major metropolitan area. It’s just that my family has no regard for dentists or fashion apparently. My grandmother gets a pass on fashion because she’s old, but my aunt with her sleeveless flannel….yeah, not so much.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my family. They all are epically messed up, but I love them.

Depsite what I said about the not being hillbillies I mentioned above, I have to mention that my grandmother brags about being in an Arkansas history book. Apparently in the book it says they were the first inhabitants of Washington, Arkansas and shows a picture of their log cabin that had a dirt floor and my grandmother’s crib was a dresser drawer. She also talks about eating squirrel brains. So yeah….maybe there is some hillbilly there….

Anyway, I hope all you wonderful women had a happy mother’s day and I hope all you great guys slaved over creating presents and cooking meals. After all, it is their day. Treat them nice, and nice things will come back to you.

Feed Me Seymour!

I don’t know if anyone gets the reference from the “Little Shop Of Horrors”. Like most 80s movies, it had cheesy lines, cheesy musicals, and a budding Rick Moranis. Despite the cheesiness, I actually remember it being a good movie and I loved the giant singing carnivorous plant.

What is this blog about? I’m starting to wonder that myself…It’s not about movies, or the 80s, or cannibalism, sadly. Not, it’s about my love of plants. I know, I know. Feel free to leave your comments below.

I have this thing for plants. I think it’s because I like creating and the creation that results from the process of love and hardship. I go out and look at my babies every morning and make sure they aren’t been leaf-raped by a marauding gang of biker beetles. You laugh, but the second you come outside and see three of the eight leaves on your bell pepper plant looking like Swiss cheese you’ll drop to your knees and scream, “Why God, WHY!!!!!” at the sky also.

Maybe I’m over-exaggerating, but I really do put a lot of time and effort into growing and harvesting them. I came out this morning and some high winds had toppled one of my plants I had been caring for half a year. Each day I’d carefully inspect the leaves and gently water and then, BAM! It felt like someone had punched me in the gut. In retrospect, I probably should have secured the plant with some bamboo or wiring, but whats done is done.

I have this radish in my raised bed that I was trying to grow until it produced seed pods. It never did, and now its the largest radish I’ve ever seen, sans seed pods. I don’t have the heart to pull it. Poor barren bastard.

Anyway, I’m going on excessively now. I’ll stop, but know this. Gardening is an extremely rewarding experience and if you’re not doing it, you’re not with the cool kids. And you want to be with the cool kids. Otherwise you’ll end up with your head in a toilet getting a swirly.

Writing My Career Path

For those of you who missed my every comment about jobs yesterday, I am on a new path. I’m actually very excited. For the first time I have a clearly outlined plan to reach my goals.

What are my goals? I’m glad you asked and care so much. Well, I want to write. Yesterday I was talking to The Hobbler and she suggested it and I told her that I don’t have people lining up to pay me to write. What I overlooked was that I had not planned anything and just kind of hoped the pieces would fall in place if I started writing.

Thanks to a blogger who happens to be a lifecoach, I got some really good tips on how to approach what I want in life. At least as far as my career is involved. I found out that most people don’t fail because they are lazy or lack ambition but because they do not have a clear and organized plan.

So I took some time yesterday to organize my goals and to list out my plan of action. It is as follows:

Continue writing DIY articles and apply to other companies to write these for them as well.

Apply for freelance writing projects

(Doing these steps will not only allow me experience in research and topic writing but will also help me pad my portfolio)

Begin writing an hour a day for my book. (I am starting to write a book. I will spend an hour a day on organizing and writing it.)

 

One of her tips is to imagine yourself in a year or five years, with your goal accomplished. Doing this, I was able to see how I needed to progress and what path I wanted my career to take.

My expectation is that as I take on these freelance projects, I will not only accumulate a reputation and portfolio, but I will also gain confidence and be able slowly depend less on my day job. When I get to a point that my freelance writing is providing enough income that I can quit my day job, I will do so.

Let me be clear. I don’t think this is going to happen overnight. I do, however, think that if I follow my plan and stay committed I will eventually arrive at my goal.

I feel so much better today. I feel like I’ve got a new start. I’ve even got a response back from an employer that is hiring for a freelance writer. So thank you to all of you who were there for my mood swing yesterday. And to all of you who weren’t also.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

Joke For The Day

Having sex is yet another great past time for burning up those unwanted fat producing calories…

REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner’s consent…
12 calories
Without partner’s consent…
187 calories
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands…
7 calories
Using one trembling hand…
36 calories
GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner…
1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor…
16 calories
Using skateboard…
3 calories
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man…
2.5 calories
Losing erection…
14 calories
Searching for it…
115 calories
PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection…
1.5 calories
Without erection…
300 calories
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced…
6 calories
Inexperienced…
73 calories
If a man does it…
650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.
POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS
Bouncing…
7 calories
Sliding around…
9 calories
Serious skidding…
12 calories
Whiplash…
27 calories
ORGASM
Real…
27 calories
Faked…
160 calories
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off…

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