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Good Vibrations

So…this post is going to be a little adulterated. So if you are not comfortable with that please do not read below this line.

There actually isn’t a line…so below this sentence I guess. Or, you know what…here. Don’t read below this line. _____________________________________________________________

So, my wife (who I hope to god isn’t reading this post) and I talked about getting her a vibrator. She has a little small one, but I wanted to up the ante and spice it up a bit. We had been in the local store to look a bit but she didn’t buy anything. I think maybe she was a bit embarrassed to get one. For a guy, it’s not that big of a deal (or so I thought), but I can imagine for a girl the interaction is a bit different. Let me explain.

The same words are said no matter what the gender, but the implication of what is said is different.

Guy Interaction: I wish to purchase this inanimate object in which to stick into my girlfriend/wife.(unless you’re gay or just like things inside you, then see below)

Girl Interaction: I will be sticking this foreign object into myself.

I can definitely see why women could be a little turned off by buying one in person….

So anyway, I go up to the store and I approach this very intimidating wall of toys. They’ve got everything. I see toys that have suction cups for the wall, vibrating, rotating, thrusting, ones that look like animals, black ones, white ones, etc. I even see one that looks like a giant octopus tentacle. I realize immediately that I should have done more research on the subject. I have no clue what kind of weaponized vibrator of death I’m going to be buying my wife.

After some time, I settle on a Thrusting Jack Rabbit which vibrates, has a thrusting and rotating motion. It was a little more than I wanted to spend, but I think its worth it for her. I grab it and head up to the counter.

As I approach the counter I see two guys who look like they just got off of work. The one guy is saying, in a voice that is probably too loud for the content, “Hey, does this Max Load really make you blow a bigger load? I want to blow the biggest one I can!” I know I’m in a sex shop, but for some reason I can’t imagine myself going into this place with a coworker and talking about how much semen I want to come out…maybe it’s just me.

The other problem is that I all of a sudden am aware that I am standing around behind these guys with a giant penis in my hand. I try to flash the ring I’m wearing, which probably does not comfort anyone. As soon as the guy turns around, he looks at what I’ve got and his conversation hits a screeching halt. He then darts off to the movie rack, avoiding eye contact with me. I mean, even if it was for me, did the guy think I was going to go crazy and start trying to assault him with it? Apparently so.

I step up to the counter, and hand it to the clerk. He tells me, “Ohhh, you’ve got a good one. You’re going to like the way this one feels.” I tell him it’s not for me and he just kind of winks and smiles. Nothing I can say at this point will help convey that I do not enjoy sticking giant penis shaped objects in me. I am outnumbered two creepy guys to one. I just kind of give up and hand the guy my card (again making sure to flash the wedding ring). He then asks me if I need batteries, which I do and proceeds to put on gloves and put them in for me.

Unbeknownst to me, their store policy is to instruct the users on how to operate the machinery. I am now standing in front of the guy holding this penis that is rotating, thrusting, and vibrating all at one time and he’s graphically describing how to use it. I don’t think I need to tell you that I had the attention of everyone in the store.

Luckily, the display shortly ended and he gave me a black bag to carry it out in so that the whole world didn’t have to see me carrying the penis.

I’ve made a decision. From now on if I want to buy anything of that nature, I will first look up reviews and then buy the item online. Or maybe I’ll be in a funny mood one day and pick the strangest thing in the store just to make the guy show me how it works…I’m not seeing that happening without a lot of alcohol though…


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19 thoughts on “Good Vibrations

  1. My girl just told me “you got the best toy in the store, women love the thrusting Jack Rabbit”! The post has us rolling.

    • LOL. Yeah, I knew when I was sitting there that it would make a good story. It was too uncomfortable not to be funny.

      • You gotta have some balls to go out & buy a giant sex toy.

      • Meh. I mean, I’ve been in enough sex shops not to be nervous anymore (although I always am a little) I remember back in high school, I’d get friends to buy condoms at the gas station because I was too embarrassed to do it. Now I’m walking around carrying penis’s like its nothing. Hahahaha

  2. Funniest. Blog. EVER! I’m going to be laughing for the rest of the week about this post!

    • It’s funny how what you think is an ordinary, non-embarrassing trip can turn into a “everyone thinks I like to stick thinks in my butt” trip. Sex Shop 1, Masculinity 0

  3. Perfect porn post PG. 😉

  4. Thank you for that. I’ve just added the Thrusting Jack Rabbit to my Christmas list, (which means I’ll have to go buy it myself).

  5. You know, you can buy variety kits online to narrow down the field…… 😉 Although, I’m pretty sure you don’t get the hands on demonstration. 😆 Or the black baggie. Or the stellar interaction from other customers. Nope, you should buy local, so you get the full experience. 😆

  6. SOL (snort out loud) for this one! This must have been extremely awkward for you! It’s bad enough for a woman to buy sex toys!

  7. Pingback: Air fist pump! « Insert witticism here…

  8. CatAlyst on said:

    The entire time I’m reading this I’m thinking, “Why, in the name of all that’s holy, didn’t he shop online!?!” I would have been completely mortified.

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