So…this post is going to be a little adulterated. So if you are not comfortable with that please do not read below this line.
There actually isn’t a line…so below this sentence I guess. Or, you know what…here. Don’t read below this line. _____________________________________________________________
So, my wife (who I hope to god isn’t reading this post) and I talked about getting her a vibrator. She has a little small one, but I wanted to up the ante and spice it up a bit. We had been in the local store to look a bit but she didn’t buy anything. I think maybe she was a bit embarrassed to get one. For a guy, it’s not that big of a deal (or so I thought), but I can imagine for a girl the interaction is a bit different. Let me explain.
The same words are said no matter what the gender, but the implication of what is said is different.
Guy Interaction: I wish to purchase this inanimate object in which to stick into my girlfriend/wife.(unless you’re gay or just like things inside you, then see below)
Girl Interaction: I will be sticking this foreign object into myself.
I can definitely see why women could be a little turned off by buying one in person….
So anyway, I go up to the store and I approach this very intimidating wall of toys. They’ve got everything. I see toys that have suction cups for the wall, vibrating, rotating, thrusting, ones that look like animals, black ones, white ones, etc. I even see one that looks like a giant octopus tentacle. I realize immediately that I should have done more research on the subject. I have no clue what kind of weaponized vibrator of death I’m going to be buying my wife.
After some time, I settle on a Thrusting Jack Rabbit which vibrates, has a thrusting and rotating motion. It was a little more than I wanted to spend, but I think its worth it for her. I grab it and head up to the counter.
As I approach the counter I see two guys who look like they just got off of work. The one guy is saying, in a voice that is probably too loud for the content, “Hey, does this Max Load really make you blow a bigger load? I want to blow the biggest one I can!” I know I’m in a sex shop, but for some reason I can’t imagine myself going into this place with a coworker and talking about how much semen I want to come out…maybe it’s just me.
The other problem is that I all of a sudden am aware that I am standing around behind these guys with a giant penis in my hand. I try to flash the ring I’m wearing, which probably does not comfort anyone. As soon as the guy turns around, he looks at what I’ve got and his conversation hits a screeching halt. He then darts off to the movie rack, avoiding eye contact with me. I mean, even if it was for me, did the guy think I was going to go crazy and start trying to assault him with it? Apparently so.
I step up to the counter, and hand it to the clerk. He tells me, “Ohhh, you’ve got a good one. You’re going to like the way this one feels.” I tell him it’s not for me and he just kind of winks and smiles. Nothing I can say at this point will help convey that I do not enjoy sticking giant penis shaped objects in me. I am outnumbered two creepy guys to one. I just kind of give up and hand the guy my card (again making sure to flash the wedding ring). He then asks me if I need batteries, which I do and proceeds to put on gloves and put them in for me.
Unbeknownst to me, their store policy is to instruct the users on how to operate the machinery. I am now standing in front of the guy holding this penis that is rotating, thrusting, and vibrating all at one time and he’s graphically describing how to use it. I don’t think I need to tell you that I had the attention of everyone in the store.
Luckily, the display shortly ended and he gave me a black bag to carry it out in so that the whole world didn’t have to see me carrying the penis.
I’ve made a decision. From now on if I want to buy anything of that nature, I will first look up reviews and then buy the item online. Or maybe I’ll be in a funny mood one day and pick the strangest thing in the store just to make the guy show me how it works…I’m not seeing that happening without a lot of alcohol though…