This is going to be a rant. A rant of EPPPPPIIIIIICCCCCC proportions.
I’m sick and tired of grown people not knowing how to conduct themselves. I work in a corporate office for a Fortune 500 company. The employees should be of a certain caliber. This isn’t the McDonald’s employee break-room. Let this be a guide to those of you who fall under any of these categories. It begins…
I can’t speak for the women’s room, but I have noticed some pretty disturbing things in the mens room. First of all, if you are using a urinal move in close. As much as you’d like to visualize that the women around the office call you “King Dong” you’re not packing two feet of enjoyment down there so don’t stand two feet away from the urinal. All you’re doing is pissing on the floor and causing me to stand in it. You think I want your pee on my shoes?
Also, if you are at the urinal I do not want to discuss things with you. For my closest friends I can make an exception, but for the random guy who I pass in the hall do not talk about sports or weather while you’re holding your junk. Just keep your eyes down, do your business, and FOR GOD SAKES wash your hands. This is simple elementary stuff, folks. Enter, pee, flush, wash, exit. Five Steps. It’s not the procedure for a rocket launch.
And if you’re “taking the browns to the superbowl”, DO NOT leave them in the toilet. Flush it. Also, why in the hell do you use a whole roll of toilet paper to wipe your ass. Either your anus is entirely too big, or you were trying to write a novel on toilet paper. Either way, knock it off!
Walking in the Building
If I pass you in the hall and say hello, don’t just avoid eye contact and turn your nose up at me. I know you heard me you deaf sum-a-bitch. I have news for you, no one thinks you’re gods gift to the earth. Acknowledging people is a common courtesy and a simple thing to do. At least give me a smile so I know I haven’t died and my soul is stuck in the office building.
Also, if you see me coming to the elevator, hold the door. You can wait two seconds. That morning cup of coffee will still be there, I promise. I know you’re the same guy that sees a woman coming with her arms loaded up, trailing a suitcase and doesn’t hold the door. That’s right, when I just opened the door for her I did just make a comment about you being a jerk. It’s because you’re a jerk. Did you lose the functioning of your limbs?
As Jenn posted earlier, do not lick the papers to sort through them. I don’t want your slobbery ass tongue juice all over my documents. And stop printing 300 page internet articles. I don’t mind you printing 10 or 20, but do you really need to print out the whole damn book? I have a meeting in 15 minutes and I can’t even print out a one page chart because you’re over there reinventing the printing press. Back off Gutenberg!
The Parking Lot
You see those signs? Yeah, the ones that say Pedestrians have the right of way and the speed limit is 10 miles an hour. You didn’t see them? Well, it’s not like there are 8….YES 8 of them. When I’m walking across and you’re sitting at the stop sign don’t try to gun it just because you’re in a truck that is jacked up (because you’re insecure about being 5’2″). I will lay down and play dead. Next time I’m going to carry a bottle of ketchup and start spraying it everywhere until it looks like a scene from Dexter. Drive your way out of that lawsuit ass clown.
Ok…I went a bit over the top there…but I’m sick and tired of these inconsiderate people I work with. Actually, that did feel a lot better. I’ve been holding that in for a long time.