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Archive for the month “June, 2012”

My House is Not a Swimming Pool

Well, its not. True story….

It almost was this weekend though. We started noticing the upstairs sink wasn’t draining. Unfortunately, we didn’t notice that the water was coming out of the pipes under the sink until we had a wet mess that soaked the first floor sheetrock and left a pool of water on the carpet.

I don’t have much money now and since plumbers don’t take alternative methods of payment like books, a rather expansive collection of movies, or miscellaneous electric adapters I had to do it myself. The first step was to unhook the trap from the bottom of the sink. Done! Easy peasy japaneesy. I’m kind of a handy man so I know my way around a wrench.

Next I had to borrow a “snake” from a family member. I pushed it down the pipe but no dice. It just kinked. I literally stared at it for an hour trying to think of other objects to shove down the pipe before a family member suggested busting the sheetrock and cutting into the pipe in the wall to see if I could unclog it there.

To tell you the truth I was terrified of busting up the sheetrock. If I didn’t find the clog I’d just have a busted wall, cut up pipes, and a non-working sink. Luckily, the clog was right below where I cut and the water instantly drained. From the cross-section of pipe I cut, I could see there there was years of soap scum that had built up in the pipe. The house was built in 1984 so its safe to assume its at least that old of build-up. I paraded around the house showing my wife and kids who looked at it disgustingly.

I felt so accomplished. Then came what I thought would be the easy part. Putting everything back together. I was wrong…

First off, the parts were all custom because the sink to wall pipe set up was a little abnormal. It took 4 trips to the hardware store before I got what I needed. Actually, I didn’t get what I needed but I made it work. Somehow I fit these pipes together and now I’m crossing my fingers that they don’t bust loose and send water everywhere. I still gloated though. I didn’t let my family know how poor of a job I did at re-piping. I strutted downstairs and said, “Yep. She’s all done. Nothing to it.”

They then proceeded to lift me up and cheer. Okay, that part didn’t happen. I did get a thank you beer though. What more can you ask for?


Everybody have fun tonight, Everybody Qigong tonight

In my previous attempt at becoming the world’s strongest and most amazing man, I was lifting weights, punching boards, and accelerating the earth’s rotation by running faster than a speeding bullet. Somehow this led to me looking up throwing stars (Shuriken) online and then watching videos of them, which then led to trying to figure out what Kunai was and watching videos of that. Lastly, I stumbled across a random comment where someone said,” You think that chi doesn’t exist, look up Proof of Chi and watch the documentary on the Chinese guy”.

Now I’m about 25 pages in to a book called “The Way of Qigong” by Kenneth Cohen and I’ve watched about 3 hours worth of Qigong videos, mixed with some Bruce Lee documentary excerpts.

Qigong is basically a method to direct the flow of the body’s energy for health and vitality. I read along the way that the body and mind were one, so I thought while I’m getting my work-out on I might as well give it a shot.

Yes, I am very random and impulsive. Yes, I love every second of it. I don’t think there is anyone who really knows me that would ever say I was boring or stale. Carpe Diem my friends!

Just in case you were wondering, my future name as a master of the universe is either going to be “Zen Master Bohn” or “His Zenniness”. And I’m writing this post with my mind power. Boom! I just blew your mind didn’t I?


Happy Happy Happy

I worked out this morning. I was sore from last nights gym tournament. I call it a tournament because instead of sticking to a few exercises like I normally do, I just walked around the gym trying to figure out which part of my body wasn’t sore so that I could punish it for its laziness.

After my workout this morning, I took a shower and went to work. For some reason I felt really good after working out so I was happy. I guess I must not exude happiness much because when I walked in and said, “And how are you 2 ladies doing today?” the front desk women looked at me puzzled and murmered “fine…” under their breaths.

Then as I approached my desk, I asked a colleague the same thing. She distorted her face into a scour and said, “Are you running for office or something?”. Can’t I just be fucking happy people? Sorry for the language, but I felt it emphasized my displeasure at people not being able to deal with my happiness. For god sakes, grab some coffee and some perkiset(?) and go skip on a rainbow. Don’t come to work and harsh my happiness with your smirky hatefulness.

It’s rather unusual for me to be this happy though…maybe somethign is wrong. Maybe my body is emptying all of its seratonin and soon I’ll be left a depressed, mopey mess. No, I’m not quite happy enough for that. I’ve taken ecstacy so I know my happy limits. You can’t say you’re the happiest you’ve ever been until you stare at a motivational poster of a guy in a kayak for 20 minutes pretending to paddle down an imaginary river as you shout joyfully. Ahh high school. Those were the days…

Ultimate Human update

Following my post yesterday I’d like to add that I added a 4X4 in my backyard which isn’t the sutrdiest if I’m to be honest. I kind of dug a 2 foot hole put it in and helped prop it up with some large rocks. I then wrapped it in rope and punched it about 50 times until one of my hands was slightly bleeding. I felt like a man!!!!! After doing that I bragged about it to my wife, leaving out the part where I started hitting it lighter once I saw blood, and she promptly looked at me like a weirdo and walked away.

I then attempted to do a few exercises but in 98 degree weather I only lasted about 15 minutes before I decided to call it quits. In my defense I did just dig a 2 foot hole and bury a 4X4….

Now I’m well on my way to becoming the strongest, toughest, he-man stuffest person alive. To my followers, this does mean that soon we will be able to form our own street gang and take over the local neighborhoods in good ol’ fashioned martial arts warfare. You’ll be karate chopping your way to power in no time.

Oh, and I saw the crazy boxing guy yesterday. I was going to stop and interupt his training to get an interview, but I thought he might be intimidated by all my awesome manliness so I just drove by and tried not to make eye contact. I’ll get him though….I’ll get him.

Hulk Smash!

I don’t think I’ve mentioned it in any of my previous posts, but I like to work out. I’m not not like used to be, which is to say that I don’t spend 2 hours a day in the gym. Frankly, I have a family now and I don’t have as much free time as I did when I was in the military. However, I do like to sporadically pop in to the gym or dust of my weights at home.

I’m sure that nothing so far blows anyone away. Lots of people work out. The difference, I think, between them and me is that at times I get into this mode where I think that its my destiny to become the world’s ultimate weapon and I start training on maritial arts, crazy workout techniques, and I even own a pair of nun-chucks (nunchaku) that I practice with.

I’m mentioning this because over the past few days I’ve been reinspired and I’ve been planning on creating this whole workout/martial arts area in my back yard. I’m too old to be a professional fighter, but you never know. You might pass me one day and I might just Karate chop a tree in half in front of you. I kid. More likely I’ll break my hand trying to chop a 2X4 in half. But I can always dream….

Super Ninja Out!


A buddy of mine suggested some anime for me and also gave me a hard drive filled with them. I know, you’re probably thinking that I’m a geek for watching anime. You’re not wrong…but there is more to it.

The thing that I really like about Japanese anime is that if you find the right one, it really expresses the beauty and simplicity of the Japanese culture. You may have to sift through hours of cartoon boobs and upskirts to find it, but it’s there.

The thing I’ve most learned through watching anime is that the Japanese idolize chivalry. Men being courageous and standing up for what they believe in, respect, love for your family, helping others, and perseverance are really evident in a lot of the anime I’ve seen. These values alone make it worth watching for me.

My wife gets mad at me when I have these shows on and my kids are in the room. She wants me to, “Put something more educational on like Wonderpets or Pets.TV.” I have to object though. Any show that emphasizes the afore-mentioned values is good for my kids to watch.

I’ve been so impressed by the genre that it’s caused me to think about doing a few things in my own life that I’ve seen while watching. I’m not going to go into those, but it basically involves improving my way of life. And don’t get me wrong, I watch and read adult material. But honestly, I’d rather watch “Kenichi” or “Capeta” than “Everybody Loves Raymond” or “House”. After watching anime with such innocence and high moral values its hard to go back to TV trash with needless drama and shallowness.

I’m watching you!

..not in a creepy way. Well, actually it’s a bit creepy. I’m a people watcher. I don’t sit there and stare at people, but every once in a while I find myself looking at someone passing by and thinking about them. I think about where they are going, what they are thinking, who they love, how they deal with their problems, etc.

I find people infinitely interesting. The main reason is that we are all different. I often think I know what someone is going to do and then they surprise me with something unexpected. Give you an example, you say. Gladly.

I was going fishing late at night a few days ago and before I had to meet up with my friends I stopped by Wal-Mart (Only because it was the only place open. I despise shopping in Wal-Mart) to get a propane tank for my Coleman Lantern. While driving out of the parking lot I saw a woman walking down the street with her purse and she appeared to be walking to the bus stop. She looked like she was dressed up to go out to a party or club and it was Saturday night, so that might have been the case. Then, it happened. The woman started taking off the bottoms of her clothes and before I knew if she was only wearing a sparkly white shirt.

It’s not like she did a  strip tease or anything. She simply decided that she didn’t need to wear them anymore, took them off, and kept walking down a busy street. I was completely befuddled by this. I mean, it goes against all social norms to walk outside without pants, not to mention illegal. The best part was that I mentioned it to my friends and a girl said that she had seen the woman walking around the same area with no pants.

To be fair, her shirt was longer on one side and provided the appearance of a ridiculously short skirt, but it didn’t cover her vajayjay at all. It was just flapping in the breeze. Is that the right word for it…no….not flapping….sitting smugly. That’s what it was doing, sitting smugly. Smiting its cotton jailer.

But that’s just one example. There are thousands more. It makes me feel a bit better about myself actually. Not because I think I’m better than anyone, but because it shows me that no matter what crazy thoughts, self-pity, or anger I’m going through, there are infinite ways that other people are dealing with the same things.

I know, I know. It’s not a neatly wrapped blog. I’m coming back from a bumpy road I was on the past couple of weeks, but it will do for now.

The King…has Returned

Ok, that was a rather pompous way to start a comeback letter. Man, it’s been a week…I’ve been piled up to my nose in work and dealing with all kinds of family issues and financial struggles. Sorry I’ve neglected you. I still love you, I promise.

People have worse problems than I have though. That was made abundantly apparent by this mornings events. I was pulling up to the light when I saw the usual homeless guy that always sits at the light. Well, I say sits but most of the time he is doing pull-ups from the turning sign, talking to himself, or walking through the cars to beg for money. So, anyway, there I was and he came up to me. I normally give him whatever change I have on me, but I didn’t have anything this morning. In desperation, I looked down and saw an orange I had brought for my lunch.

Now, the story could have ended there, but when I gave it to him he was so hungry that he immediately started chowing down on it and had it consumed before he had walked 10 feet back to the curb. He at the peel and all, just like that. I was so shocked by it, that I decided I’d start making him breakfasts in the morning. Maybe I’ll buy some granola bars and fruits or something.

To be honest, I’d always been suspicious the guy wasn’t really homeless but was just one of those people who stood on the corner looking for free money. I have a cousin who did that. He’d make 250 a day just begging (or so he said). I’d have to say that seeing him eat that orange finally put my suspicions to rest. I’ve never seen anyone as hungry as he was.

Other than that, I haven’t been doing much. Just working and dealing with life. I wish I had something funnier to include here but I’m feeling so drained lately that all my wit and charm has faded temporarily.

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