Victim of Nostalgia
I was driving in this morning, the rain sprinkled softly and the grey clouds blocked out most of the suns rays. I popped in a CD from The Killers and as I started off I was thinking about past people and experiences. Actually, it started with a dream I had about an ex-wife. For some reason we were in a supermarket and my dad was tickling her. Not sure what that was all about, but it happened…
The point is that I often go on these trips down memory lane where I have this aching desire to connect with people from my past or to put myself in the same situation so that I can prove how I can overcome this time around. I’ve often wanted to connect with ex-girlfriends or wives to try to re-establish a connection. Not romantically, just to rescue something that was lost and destroyed.
I realized this morning that I don’t really want these people or the situations, I just want to feel better about myself and forgive myself for not rising to the occasion or not handling relationships like I would have liked to. I had long been under the impression that I forgave everyone including myself for past regressions, but I am coming to realize that intending and hoping these things happen does not make it true. I am not sure how I can let these things go. I’ve tried working through each item and reasoning it out, but I guess my brain and my heart aren’t on the same page.
I do know this. I do not want to spend too much time looking backward or regretting. I have a family and a wife that I didn’t have back then and I wouldn’t trade for anything. That being said, I don’t know if the proper thing to do is to try to bury all of that stuff in the past or to try to work through it. If I choose the latter, it will be a long road. Not because I cannot forgive or forget but because I apparently don’t know how to change the feelings I have into positive feelings that will lead me out of this chasm of memories.
I am, however, open to suggestions….