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Victim of Nostalgia

I was driving in this morning, the rain sprinkled softly and the grey clouds blocked out most of the suns rays. I popped in a CD from The Killers and as I started off I was thinking about past people and experiences. Actually, it started with a dream I had about an ex-wife. For some reason we were in a supermarket and my dad was tickling her. Not sure what that was all about, but it happened…

The point is that I often go on these trips down memory lane where I have this aching desire to connect with people from my past or to put myself in the same situation so that I can prove how I can overcome this time around. I’ve often wanted to connect with ex-girlfriends or wives to try to re-establish a connection. Not romantically, just to rescue something that was lost and destroyed.

I realized this morning that I don’t really want these people or the situations, I just want to feel better about myself and forgive myself for not rising to the occasion or not handling relationships like I would have liked to. I had long been under the impression that I forgave everyone including myself for past regressions, but I am coming to realize that intending and hoping these things happen does not make it true. I am not sure how I can let these things go. I’ve tried working through each item and reasoning it out, but I guess my brain and my heart aren’t on the same page.

I do know this. I do not want to spend too much time looking backward or regretting. I have a family and a wife that I didn’t have back then and I wouldn’t trade for anything. That being said, I don’t know if the proper thing to do is to try to bury all of that stuff in the past or to try to work through it. If I choose the latter, it will be a long road. Not because I cannot forgive or forget but because I apparently don’t know how to change the feelings I have into positive feelings that will lead me out of this chasm of memories.

I am, however, open to suggestions….

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4 thoughts on “Victim of Nostalgia

  1. I have advice! Although I think it should be known that not all of my advice is good advice and people that know me never ask for it. Might I suggest that the problem MAY lie with your desire to “change the feelings I have into positive feelings”. If you’ve already worked through each item and found no relief, then maybe it’s time to “accept” these negative feelings, in all of their misery, and let them be as they are. It’s a crappy fact that negativity is a part of our existence, and it’s been my experience that “what you resist, persists.” The harder you try to rid yourself of these negative things, the stronger they will become. You can’t fix it. You can only accept it and try not to be consumed by it. Every moment you live in the past, even if it’s just to work through things, is a moment of the present you will never get back. The past doesn’t exist anymore. I think it’s less about “letting go” and more about “acceptance”. When you find yourself consumed with the desire to go back there, try to remind yourself that past actions do not define who we are. We are so much more than the things we’ve done. Keep moving forward. Chin up buttercup!

  2. Delilah on said:

    I agree with Lisa. It’s advice I needed to hear myself. My problem isn’t that I have negative feelings from the past. I have positive ones. They have been slowly sucking the present out of my life day by day. Once you open the door to the past it becomes impossible to close it.

  3. Yep and yep. “One day at a time” doesn’t make sense just for those trying to let Alcoholics Anonymous into their lives;-)

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