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You aren’t supposed to smell before the gym

As you may know from a couple of previous posts, I work out at about 5 AM in the morning with a partner. What that really means is that I set my alarm for 5, roll over, pretend I’m getting up a few times, and then hurriedly look at my phone astounded that so much time has past. This was one of those mornings. I’m downstairs getting my per-workout fiber one bar in and my partner calls me. Now, I’m headed out the door so I ignore his call since I can see his headlights in my driveway and I’m almost outside.

Boy was that a mistake.

What I failed to realize (had I answered my phone I would have known) was that outside my door was a beautiful little black and white striped woodland creature. I opened the door all cool and calm, locked it, and when I turned around there it was. If this was any normal event in anyone else’s life the skunk would have been frightened and ran away. Not my luck. As I tried to tiptoe past the skunk to the right I noticed a little pint sized clone right behind it.

Great, its 5 AM and I’m pissing off a momma skunk. Way to start the day.

So this thing starts hissing at me and I try to squeeze as tight as I can next to the van when Bambi’s friend starts turning on me. I’ve never seen a live skunk in the wild, but I know what happens when a skunks ass is facing you. I’d like to tell you that I did something much more macho that what actually happened. What did happen is that I screamed like a little girl and jumped to the front of my van (wrong direction) and then realized that while I did manage to place the van between the skunk and myself, I also couldn’t see it and it had no problem crawling underneath the van. When I came to this realization I hauled ass (where does that expression come from? I understand that when you are running your ass is behind you, but it’s normally behind you unless you’re some weirdo that walks backward all the time…but I digress…) to my friends vehicle and somehow did a midair somersault, opened, and shut the door in one movement. Don’t ask me to do it again, I couldn’t if I tried.

By this time the skunk and her skunkling (don’t care if that’s not a word I like it) were running through my neighbors yard. I was in the vehicle with my workout buddy laughing his ass off at my shenanigans. They say that the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup. I’m going to have to say that the best part of waking up is not having to fight a wild animal while simultaneously trying not to get pissed on by foul smelling skunk juice. Someone should make that into a bumper sticker.


Car Wrecks and Mailboxes

The two are unrelated you say. Hogwash!

So, as some of you may have noticed (the few of you who actually read my posts after my lengthy departure from the literary world of blogging) I am back to my old antics. In truth, I knew that I could never stay away from blogging, the desire to relieve myself of the thoughts and rants that bounce around in this spacious head of mine are too great.

With that in mind, I thought I should catch you up on some semi-recent events. Namely, the car wreck that landed me in the hospital for a little while. You see, most people would be perfectly right in assuming that a toll lane stop sign is a perfectly legal and legitimate place to stop. Unfortunately for Captain Textsalot (or whatever was distracting him) this theory was put into question.

It was a Thursday…and much like a Thursday, there was an ominous weight that hung in the air. Okay, maybe it was less ominous and more painful. I had been suffering from stomach pains which I thought were brought about by a hiatal hernia and I decided to go home from work. While waiting for the Cadillac full of strippers (more on this later) in front of me to drop their change (which was probably riddled with herpes and cocaine residue) and parked at a stop sign I was rear ended by a large truck going 60 miles per hour.

Let me put this in perspective. I drive…..erm….drove….a 2010 Honda Insight Hybrid which weighs significantly less than the Chevy Avalance that exhaust raped me from behind. The guy literally never hit his breaks and drove me through the car in front of me and into the concrete divider that separated the toll lanes. I must have been knocked unconscious because when I came to there was a lady trying to open my drivers side door.

The good news is that for a minute I didn’t feel my stomach pain. The bad news, and what was about to escalate in a short amount of time, was that my pain was not caused from a hiatal hernia. To make a long story short with the guy who hit me and the strippers in front, the girls in front of me were driving around in some guys car on their way to “dance” at work. The guy behind me said that he “thought I was going to go” and this is why he decided to try to see if he could run through my car. At first I refused medical help, but then I realized shortly after that I would need to go to the emergency room.

The reason for my alarm being that when my wife arrived to pick me up, my eyes and skin were both yellow. So now I was walking around like big birds shorter brother and on my way to the emergency room. The emergency room doctors and nurses rightfully deduced that I was walking and talking fine so I was not a high priority. After negative x-rays they were just about to let me go when they asked me for a urine sample. What secreted out of my nether-regions was something akin to coffee. The nurses actually stood in a circle holding it up to the light and gasping in amazement. Turns out my stomach trouble was really gallstones…

Being the lucky man I am, a gallstone had become lodged into my bile duct (possibly as a result of the accident, but probably not) causing my kidneys to back up with bile. After two surgeries, one to remove the obstruction and patch up the tube, and one to remove my gallbladder and its entirety I was now back to my normal hue. Unfortunately, the gall bladder was over-sized and hard as a rock and the incision had to be made larger which made my belly button look like a mini-vagina. No offense to you lovely ladies out there. But it’s the closest comparison I have.

The thing you don’t realize about Gerry the Gallbladder is that he breaks down all those nice fatty foods you like to stuff in your meat hole and turns them into nutritious vitamins and then stores the rest in your ass and thighs and spends the next half a day trying to get rid of them. But when Gerry leaves town….oh how the food gets its revenge. I now can’t eat anything that has fat in it without having to first make sure there is a bathroom within running distance. I’ve pretty much times it to 30 minutes before my body violently tries to rid itself of what I can only assume it thinks is the foulest food its ever encountered. I’ve met some devout people in my travels, but my bodies devotion to casting out the demons of Jack in the Box and Buffalo Wild Wings put all those to shame. I apologize if you’re eating right now….

So this brings us to the mailboxes. What I failed to mention previously is that as a result of the wreck I now have phantom back and pelvic pains that like to flare up at inopportune moments. Well, this past weekend I decided that I was going to dig up the old mailbox that was hanging in front of my house by duct tape and replace it with a nice new mailbox. Bad idea. After digging three feet of concrete out of the ground I felt like I had just received a massage via swift donkey kicking. If you’ve never tried this method of massage I highly recommend it. Especially if your level of self loathing is as evolved as mine.

So there you have it. Car Wrecks and Mailboxes. If you have any questions about how to deal with gallbladder issues or you just want to point at me in laugh feel free to comment below.


I’m watching you!

..not in a creepy way. Well, actually it’s a bit creepy. I’m a people watcher. I don’t sit there and stare at people, but every once in a while I find myself looking at someone passing by and thinking about them. I think about where they are going, what they are thinking, who they love, how they deal with their problems, etc.

I find people infinitely interesting. The main reason is that we are all different. I often think I know what someone is going to do and then they surprise me with something unexpected. Give you an example, you say. Gladly.

I was going fishing late at night a few days ago and before I had to meet up with my friends I stopped by Wal-Mart (Only because it was the only place open. I despise shopping in Wal-Mart) to get a propane tank for my Coleman Lantern. While driving out of the parking lot I saw a woman walking down the street with her purse and she appeared to be walking to the bus stop. She looked like she was dressed up to go out to a party or club and it was Saturday night, so that might have been the case. Then, it happened. The woman started taking off the bottoms of her clothes and before I knew if she was only wearing a sparkly white shirt.

It’s not like she did a  strip tease or anything. She simply decided that she didn’t need to wear them anymore, took them off, and kept walking down a busy street. I was completely befuddled by this. I mean, it goes against all social norms to walk outside without pants, not to mention illegal. The best part was that I mentioned it to my friends and a girl said that she had seen the woman walking around the same area with no pants.

To be fair, her shirt was longer on one side and provided the appearance of a ridiculously short skirt, but it didn’t cover her vajayjay at all. It was just flapping in the breeze. Is that the right word for it…no….not flapping….sitting smugly. That’s what it was doing, sitting smugly. Smiting its cotton jailer.

But that’s just one example. There are thousands more. It makes me feel a bit better about myself actually. Not because I think I’m better than anyone, but because it shows me that no matter what crazy thoughts, self-pity, or anger I’m going through, there are infinite ways that other people are dealing with the same things.

I know, I know. It’s not a neatly wrapped blog. I’m coming back from a bumpy road I was on the past couple of weeks, but it will do for now.

Anyone ever think…

…about things that are normal everyday things but when it hits you at the right moment they seem so strange?

I remember this one time I was eating shrimp and I stopped with the shrimp and was just staring at it on my fork. My wife gave my this funny look and asked what I was doing. For some reason I all of a sudden realized that a shrimp was this whole animal. It wasn’t like a limb of a chicken, or muscle of a cow, or some detached part. It is the entire animal. Well, maybe not the head…but some people serve them with the heads also. All the sudden I got this weird image of me as a giant reaching down and just picking up creatures and devouring them whole. Kind of put things in perspective.

There was another time when I was doing something and I looked down at my hands and they seemed so completely foreign. I was trying to imagine what weird sense of humor God must have that he put these little stubby meats bones protruding out from my arms. If aliens ever did visit earth they’d probably take one look at us and be like, “Man, those things are fucked up!”. Then I’m sure there would be some other, more democratic alien that would tell him that we are beings too and we deserve the same respect and he’d still be thinking how strange we look and how he’d never have a human hybrid baby. I bet somewhere in some nearby galaxy we’re already the butt of some joke.

Maybe I’m the only one who has these sudden epiphanies about everyday things, I don’t know. Like how people first thought of trying certain foods or why do forks normally have four prongs all in a line. Wouldn’t it make more sense to have something with an array of prongs for efficiency? Then again maybe there is a Forkiologist sitting in a lab somewhere coming up with and theorizing fork theology for the future. Who am I to kill his dream?

The Challenge: True of False?

So, The Hobbler posted a little challenge to select 6 things about yourself that are true and then a seventh that is not true. The challenge is to guess the one that isn’t true. Since she has been particularly nice to me, I will gladly accept the challenge.

My list:

1) I once told a girl my friend was dating that he was born to parents from a circus and that he spent his early life living as “snake boy”, the circus’s local attraction.

2) I held on to my dad’s car when he was backing out of the driveway. I was on roller skates. As he backed out, I slipped and the car rolled over my chest, cracking 2 of my ribs.

3) I dressed up in a ninja outfit and ran through a field with three friends picking mushrooms and doing ninja moves do avoid lighted areas.

4) I had to sit in the principles office for a week and write “I will not sexually harass students.”, after I dropped a pencil to look at a girls but in fourth grade.

5) I once attended a ceremony at a health food store where they used something called a frequency machine to broadcast frequencies into water to cure ailments. They also used it to answer questions.

6) I was cleaning out a fish bowl for by Beta fish. I poured in spring water from the fridge. The beta fish promptly went belly up. I then froze the Beta fish and when my mom found out she made me take the fish out and melt the ice so I could flush it. I stuck the fish cube in the frying pan and when it had melted the fish started moving again. I stuck the fish back in the bowl and it lived for a week after that.

7) My dad once hit the back of a car with four guys in it. They jumped out and my dad got scared so he took off. They chased us for an hour throwing things out their window at us. My dad then slowed down by our apartment and pushed me out of the car. I rolled and then ran home. He made it home too, but the car was severely vandalized.


Well, that’s my list. Remember there is one in there that is not true. Can you guess what it is?

If you’re feeling adventurous enough, maybe you can even create your own list.

The Bucket List

Following up my last blog about my personal traits, I started thinking about things I wanted to do in my life. I have never actually made a list of things I’d like to do before I die, so I thought it might be a fun exercise. I’m just going to put ten. I think this might be a good starting point. If I finish this list, I’ll make another one.  I’m going to honestly try to complete these one at a time and I’ll keep you guys posted (hopefully with pictures).

My Bucket List:

Travel Europe

Travel South America

Write a Book


Learn French/Spanish/German fluently (already know some of each)

Learn to play piano

Jump off a cliff into water

Lose 30 pounds

Visit the Grand Canyon

Meet 100 new people

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