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10 Things I Learned from Barbarella

I worked from home today. Honestly, I just didn’t feel like spending the extra 2 hours driving. Plus, I can kind of do that since my boss only shows up 2 days out of the month.

Part of today’s events included watching Barbarella. It’s sat in my queue for a long time but until yet I have not watched it. Now that I have, I have to say that I’ve learned a few things…

1) People in the 60s had it good. I mean, half of the movie was sex and the other half was people trying to have sex. I somehow feel like we’re going away from the natural progression of things. It went dark ages, pilgrims, civil wars, SEXY TIME, science and computers. It was like all the people in the 60s used of the sex for the rest of the ages. Don’t be so damn greedy 60s.

2)Everyone in the future will wear a cape. Despite the inability to fly (sans flying angel), people just find it cool to wear capes in the future. I’m not sure if this was influenced by Adam West, or if capes were just all the rage in 1968.

3)Every time someone helps you out, you have to sleep with them. I know this goes back to the sex things, but jeez. If someone opens a door for you, don’t just drop your drawers. I think there is a proper sequence of events. An introduction would be nice for starters. It doesn’t have to be an entire history or genealogy, but a name would be cool…

4)Angels don’t make love, they are love. Despite the fact that he just had sex with Barbarella, he now “doesn’t make love”. He’s like…the only person in the 60s not giving it out like candy. Prude ass angels…

5)If you don’t have some sort of masochistic fantasy and cosplay gear, you will not make it in the future. Along with the capes were all sorts of weird attire including a horn on your head, being made partly of stone, and leather bike shorts. I’m almost entirely certain that this is the period that is responsible for stripper clothes. For that I thank and condemn you.

6)Children of the future are cruel bastards. I mean both of these literally. Apparently they have no parents and just hang out by an ice lake ready to abduct half-naked space travelers. Then they turn these little demonic, razor toothed dolls on them. If you never had a fear of dolls, this movie will help you out.

7)Apparently everything in the future works on sound and emotion. No technical knowledge is needed. I guess this is good news for all those teenagers in angst who learned to play keyboard or guitar. They’re practically gods in the future. The only thing you have to do is knock on a piece of machinery and it will make sounds indicating what’s wrong with it. I tried this with my car, but it appears we are not ready for that technology yet. Maybe someday…

8)Saying, “And in the final crescendo, you will die of pleasure!” does not turn women on. As a matter of fact you just look creepy when you say it and, if accompanied by a giant futuristic organ, you probably will never get laid ever again. On the other hand, you may get roles playing the Phantom of the Opera or Quasimodo.

9)Every time someone tries to kill you, you should immediately escape death and then joke about it with them. As a matter of fact you can just stand around after averting it and you will be okay. This is probably why the crime rate was so bad in the 60s….either that or it was because everyone was always out of their mind.

Oh, you just tried to shoot me.No, its okay. Sure I’ll help you go do this one thing. No, no problem at all. Hey, while we’re at it we might as well have sex. I mean, I haven’t had sex in like 5 minutes.

10)When you have sex in the future, at least by pill form, it will make your hair curl and your fingers smoke. As a matter of fact I’m taking this time to create the first ever “Non-Curling Sex Spray”. It’s light years ahead of its time and I will make billions in about 3500 years. By then a billion might not be that much, so let me take a page from Dr. Evil and say, “One Gazillion Dollars!” My patented “Non-Curling Sex Spray” TM will only be available in a limited supply, so get yours while your sex hair is still straight. Also, coming soon, “Smoke Free Sex Gloves”. Yours free with every purchase of leather cape.


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