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Mother’s Day Roid Rage

I had the great idea to take my oldest girl to the store to get a mother’s day card. I am saying it sarcastically because a 4 year old doesn’t necessarily have the best taste in cards. I wanted it to be “from her” but at the same time I couldn’t see buying the 9 dollar singing happy anniversary card for my wife for mother’s day. We did finally settle on a card though. It was two giraffes kissing and the inside said, “No matter how big I get, I’ll always look up to you.”

After a brief argument over the envelope it was going to go in (she insisted on a purple one that was half the size), we walked up to the counter and stood behind a man who was trying to purchase his wife a mother’s day present. It was a hemroid toilet cushion.

I wouldn’t say it was his mother’s day present if the guy hadn’t said, “I’m getting this for my wife for mother’s day, she really needs it.” So now this guy not only is going to impress his wife with his thoughtful gift, but now he’s announced to the clerk, whom his wife and him probably see monthly, that his wife has a bad case of the roids. Husband of the Year Award for sure.

The issue was that this guy had actually bought one in advance and apparently spent too much money on the latest hemroid technology. Now he was trying to trade it for something cheaper so that he could also buy some flowers and a bottle of wine. Call me old fashioned, but flowers, wine, and a toilet cushion don’t seem to go well together.

I can just imagine this guy getting home and presenting all this to his wife. First the flowers, to catch her off-guard, then you pour her a few glasses of wine, and then you pull out the toilet ring. If she’s drunk enough by this point, you might sneak it in without her noticing. Or…you might get a really weird look. On the other hand, she might be one of those people who enjoys practical gifts more than ones that benefit the occasion. I’ll give him credit for going against the grain. You’re a rebel Mr. Hemroid Ring Man!

Of course, I’m probably just being an ass about the whole thing. I’m sure his wife got it and she was the happiest hemroid ridden woman in the world. I bet she hobbled (no offense Hobbler) over to him and gave him a big (although non-straining) hug and then sat on her nice cushiony chair. Actually, like most women, she probably developed them from pregnancy and I’m poking fun at a new mother and I’m going to be stoned and castrated by every woman reading this. In that case, it’s been a good ride manhood, way to take one for the team.



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