I’m a Dirty Little Hobbit

You may be wondering what this post is about with a title like that. Don’t worry, I won’t keep you in suspense long.

I was recently invited to a concert. The particular concert featured 311 and Slightly Stoopid. If you’re unfamiliar with either or these two bands, suffice it to say that they are of the “Amerified” reggae variety. A lot of songs about relaxing, happiness, and weed. I’m don’t smoke weed. It’s not that I have something against it, I just don’t really like it. My weapon of choice is alcohol.

The concert started off great, but I knew what was going to happen. Let me set the scene for you. We had seats on the lawn, which should be more aptly named the slopey, muddy cheap seats.

So there I am butt wet and muddy with my shoes off so that I don’t ruin them. The beer, which cost about 12 dollars for a 24 oz., quenching my thirst in the midday sun. I was having a good time and just relaxing and listening to music. The aroma of the concert was definitely of the illegal kind. Well, sooner or later the beers start to catch up to me and before I know it its nightfall and I’m swinging my shirt above my head and sliding down this muddy slope.

At one point I started pulling the rope tied to the barricade so that the barricade would fall and all the people would rush forward only to be driven back by security. I was that guy.

I suddenly realize I have to use the bathroom so I go to the bathroom. While walking in someone inquired as to why I didn’t have a shirt or shoes on and my reply, which seemed the most logical at the time, was that I was a hobbit. I’m not quite sure why I said it, but I’m glad I did. The guys face was one of bewilderment and slight amusement. I then merrily skipped (probably more like a drunken shuffle) into the bathroom where I probably stepped on more urine than I even want to think about. My thinking was that I was going to wash my feet, so it didn’t matter. Unfortunately I didn’t think about the fact that I was going to put my feet back into my shoes and they would be forever tarnished with the urine of a thousand potheads.

The night wasn’t over there, however. After the concert we decided to go to a place called TAPS where they had hundreds of beer choices. What more to finish off the gallon of beer I had earlier, more beer. I played a round of cornhole (its not what you think…google it) and then left to eat.

We arrived at Dots at about 3AM and I proceeded to devour a jalapeno and onion hamburger while my friend made an ass of himself to the surrounding tables. Note to self, putting sausages up to your ears and screaming, “I’ve got sausage ears!” is not as funny if you’re not drunk.

120 dollars later, I was home safely in my bed. I think I should mention that we had a designated driver. I would never drive after drinking anymore. I made that mistake one time and I will never go through the trouble it caused ever again. I did however get to sit in the passenger side and watch people get arrested for driving drunk. I even watched one guy get tackled off his motorcycle. Texas highway patrol doesn’t play around…

 

 

Victim of Nostalgia

I was driving in this morning, the rain sprinkled softly and the grey clouds blocked out most of the suns rays. I popped in a CD from The Killers and as I started off I was thinking about past people and experiences. Actually, it started with a dream I had about an ex-wife. For some reason we were in a supermarket and my dad was tickling her. Not sure what that was all about, but it happened…

The point is that I often go on these trips down memory lane where I have this aching desire to connect with people from my past or to put myself in the same situation so that I can prove how I can overcome this time around. I’ve often wanted to connect with ex-girlfriends or wives to try to re-establish a connection. Not romantically, just to rescue something that was lost and destroyed.

I realized this morning that I don’t really want these people or the situations, I just want to feel better about myself and forgive myself for not rising to the occasion or not handling relationships like I would have liked to. I had long been under the impression that I forgave everyone including myself for past regressions, but I am coming to realize that intending and hoping these things happen does not make it true. I am not sure how I can let these things go. I’ve tried working through each item and reasoning it out, but I guess my brain and my heart aren’t on the same page.

I do know this. I do not want to spend too much time looking backward or regretting. I have a family and a wife that I didn’t have back then and I wouldn’t trade for anything. That being said, I don’t know if the proper thing to do is to try to bury all of that stuff in the past or to try to work through it. If I choose the latter, it will be a long road. Not because I cannot forgive or forget but because I apparently don’t know how to change the feelings I have into positive feelings that will lead me out of this chasm of memories.

I am, however, open to suggestions….

Working out My Demons

As most of your know, I’ve been exercising a lot lately. A lot of my methods have been unique, but it seems like its really paying off. Up until now I’ve been playing it up as some sort of joke where I plan to take over the world with karate chops and manliness, but I’d like to share the real reasoning and progress with you.

This journey I’ve been going on isn’t just about losing fat, its also about personal growth. I was weighing about 197 when I started a few weeks ago, but now I am weighing about 183. That’s great, although my first goal is 175. It seems that my goal to lose weight is on track, but the harder part of my physical training is just beginning.

I’ve actually been training martial arts throughout my life, but (aside for about 6 months) I never took it too seriously. My goal now is to work at incremental goals until I am completely confident in my self-defense and subsequent offense. The first stage, which I’m currently in, consists of the toughening of my hands (palms, backhand, fist, side) while learning some boxing technique and karate strikes. I am also working on my flexibility.

The next step will consist of both learning kicking techniques, but also developing power in both my punches and kicks. In truth, I am already developing power, but this is not my main focus at the moment. First I need to work on form.

The last and final stage for this round will be advanced techniques and brushing up on something I already know pretty well, grappling. I assume this will take me a few years to do what I actually want to accomplish with this. I’m trying not to rush it so that I can steadily grow in skill, technique, and power until I am at the end goal. Who knows what will await me there.Right now I am building the foundation.

What I’ve left out, if you were following along, is the non-physical part. I am also training my mind. This not only consists of daily exercises in meditation and Qigong, but I am also working on alertness, knowledge, and trying to adhere to a strict code of morals. It might not seem like much to adhere to morals, but I have gone through my life lying when it was convenient to get me out of trouble. Now I am going cold turkey. Instead of telling my wife I’m getting home at 6, I tell her that I’m going to stop by the bookstore and read for an hour to relax. It’s actually helped my marriage because now I feel like I have more personal freedom. Even if she gets upset and wants me home, she normally respects my right to privacy.

It’s not just lying though. Instead of distracting myself at work, I try to finish minute details on things, and clear my backlogs. This has given my more respect and happiness in my job. Also, I try to think before I react. I have struggled with road rage for a long time now. While I have been working on it for about 2 years, I am not at the point that if someone cuts me off I don’t get upset (most of the time) and I thank them. I thank them because they are providing me the opportunity to practice my patience and tolerance.

Sorry if I bored any of you readers, but I spend so much time spitting out witticism and sarcasm that I figured I’d write something completely honest and from the heart. It feels good to write it, even if its not as good to read.

In case anyone is wondering, I don’t have a specific goal of where I want to be in 30 years. I only want to be healthy, have a clean mind and mental habits, and have as little stress as possible. I used to want to have a career that pays me lots of money and allows me to buy whatever I desire. Now I realize that I am happier with a job that I can be happy with, do with honor, and be depended on. If that makes me more or less money, I am okay with it.

You may call me Hercules

It’s been a while since my last post. I’ve been very busy. Although I am a little behind on my goal of world domination through impressive strength and karate chops, I’m still making progress.

My daily routine now goes as follows:

EXTREME Wake up

EXTREME Bowl of cereal

EXTREME Bathroom break

QUIET Qigong and meditation

EXTREME Punching Makiwara Board, trying not to look like it hurts, and looking at my scarred knuckles satisfactorily

EXTREME Working at Office

EXTREME Lifting random heavy rocks I found at my parents house

EXTREME Shadow boxing, stretching, and calisthenics

EXTREME DINNER

EXTREME Sleep

 

I’m sure you noticed (and were probably annoyed by) the multitude of extremes. It’s because I’m just that extreme. And if you’ve noticed that I’m not eating lunch, it’s because my lunch now consists of spring rolls eaten randomly throughout the day. Next step, injecting nutrients straight into my blood stream. EXTREME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Seriously though, I’m a little scraped, cut, and bruised right now. Nothing too bad, I’m just toughening up my body for the apocalypse. And if that doesn’t happen….I’m going to be the toughest, strongest, judo-choppiest mofo on the 8th floor of my office building. I can’t count any other floors because there is this amazonian woman who works here and I don’t know what floor she’s on because I always hide. I’ve seen videos of what amazonian women do to men. I don’t want that kind of trouble…

My House is Not a Swimming Pool

Well, its not. True story….

It almost was this weekend though. We started noticing the upstairs sink wasn’t draining. Unfortunately, we didn’t notice that the water was coming out of the pipes under the sink until we had a wet mess that soaked the first floor sheetrock and left a pool of water on the carpet.

I don’t have much money now and since plumbers don’t take alternative methods of payment like books, a rather expansive collection of movies, or miscellaneous electric adapters I had to do it myself. The first step was to unhook the trap from the bottom of the sink. Done! Easy peasy japaneesy. I’m kind of a handy man so I know my way around a wrench.

Next I had to borrow a “snake” from a family member. I pushed it down the pipe but no dice. It just kinked. I literally stared at it for an hour trying to think of other objects to shove down the pipe before a family member suggested busting the sheetrock and cutting into the pipe in the wall to see if I could unclog it there.

To tell you the truth I was terrified of busting up the sheetrock. If I didn’t find the clog I’d just have a busted wall, cut up pipes, and a non-working sink. Luckily, the clog was right below where I cut and the water instantly drained. From the cross-section of pipe I cut, I could see there there was years of soap scum that had built up in the pipe. The house was built in 1984 so its safe to assume its at least that old of build-up. I paraded around the house showing my wife and kids who looked at it disgustingly.

I felt so accomplished. Then came what I thought would be the easy part. Putting everything back together. I was wrong…

First off, the parts were all custom because the sink to wall pipe set up was a little abnormal. It took 4 trips to the hardware store before I got what I needed. Actually, I didn’t get what I needed but I made it work. Somehow I fit these pipes together and now I’m crossing my fingers that they don’t bust loose and send water everywhere. I still gloated though. I didn’t let my family know how poor of a job I did at re-piping. I strutted downstairs and said, “Yep. She’s all done. Nothing to it.”

They then proceeded to lift me up and cheer. Okay, that part didn’t happen. I did get a thank you beer though. What more can you ask for?

Everybody have fun tonight, Everybody Qigong tonight

In my previous attempt at becoming the world’s strongest and most amazing man, I was lifting weights, punching boards, and accelerating the earth’s rotation by running faster than a speeding bullet. Somehow this led to me looking up throwing stars (Shuriken) online and then watching videos of them, which then led to trying to figure out what Kunai was and watching videos of that. Lastly, I stumbled across a random comment where someone said,” You think that chi doesn’t exist, look up Proof of Chi and watch the documentary on the Chinese guy”.

Now I’m about 25 pages in to a book called “The Way of Qigong” by Kenneth Cohen and I’ve watched about 3 hours worth of Qigong videos, mixed with some Bruce Lee documentary excerpts.

Qigong is basically a method to direct the flow of the body’s energy for health and vitality. I read along the way that the body and mind were one, so I thought while I’m getting my work-out on I might as well give it a shot.

Yes, I am very random and impulsive. Yes, I love every second of it. I don’t think there is anyone who really knows me that would ever say I was boring or stale. Carpe Diem my friends!

Just in case you were wondering, my future name as a master of the universe is either going to be “Zen Master Bohn” or “His Zenniness”. And I’m writing this post with my mind power. Boom! I just blew your mind didn’t I?

 

Happy Happy Happy

I worked out this morning. I was sore from last nights gym tournament. I call it a tournament because instead of sticking to a few exercises like I normally do, I just walked around the gym trying to figure out which part of my body wasn’t sore so that I could punish it for its laziness.

After my workout this morning, I took a shower and went to work. For some reason I felt really good after working out so I was happy. I guess I must not exude happiness much because when I walked in and said, “And how are you 2 ladies doing today?” the front desk women looked at me puzzled and murmered “fine…” under their breaths.

Then as I approached my desk, I asked a colleague the same thing. She distorted her face into a scour and said, “Are you running for office or something?”. Can’t I just be fucking happy people? Sorry for the language, but I felt it emphasized my displeasure at people not being able to deal with my happiness. For god sakes, grab some coffee and some perkiset(?) and go skip on a rainbow. Don’t come to work and harsh my happiness with your smirky hatefulness.

It’s rather unusual for me to be this happy though…maybe somethign is wrong. Maybe my body is emptying all of its seratonin and soon I’ll be left a depressed, mopey mess. No, I’m not quite happy enough for that. I’ve taken ecstacy so I know my happy limits. You can’t say you’re the happiest you’ve ever been until you stare at a motivational poster of a guy in a kayak for 20 minutes pretending to paddle down an imaginary river as you shout joyfully. Ahh high school. Those were the days…

Ultimate Human update

Following my post yesterday I’d like to add that I added a 4X4 in my backyard which isn’t the sutrdiest if I’m to be honest. I kind of dug a 2 foot hole put it in and helped prop it up with some large rocks. I then wrapped it in rope and punched it about 50 times until one of my hands was slightly bleeding. I felt like a man!!!!! After doing that I bragged about it to my wife, leaving out the part where I started hitting it lighter once I saw blood, and she promptly looked at me like a weirdo and walked away.

I then attempted to do a few exercises but in 98 degree weather I only lasted about 15 minutes before I decided to call it quits. In my defense I did just dig a 2 foot hole and bury a 4X4….

Now I’m well on my way to becoming the strongest, toughest, he-man stuffest person alive. To my followers, this does mean that soon we will be able to form our own street gang and take over the local neighborhoods in good ol’ fashioned martial arts warfare. You’ll be karate chopping your way to power in no time.

Oh, and I saw the crazy boxing guy yesterday. I was going to stop and interupt his training to get an interview, but I thought he might be intimidated by all my awesome manliness so I just drove by and tried not to make eye contact. I’ll get him though….I’ll get him.

Hulk Smash!

I don’t think I’ve mentioned it in any of my previous posts, but I like to work out. I’m not not like used to be, which is to say that I don’t spend 2 hours a day in the gym. Frankly, I have a family now and I don’t have as much free time as I did when I was in the military. However, I do like to sporadically pop in to the gym or dust of my weights at home.

I’m sure that nothing so far blows anyone away. Lots of people work out. The difference, I think, between them and me is that at times I get into this mode where I think that its my destiny to become the world’s ultimate weapon and I start training on maritial arts, crazy workout techniques, and I even own a pair of nun-chucks (nunchaku) that I practice with.

I’m mentioning this because over the past few days I’ve been reinspired and I’ve been planning on creating this whole workout/martial arts area in my back yard. I’m too old to be a professional fighter, but you never know. You might pass me one day and I might just Karate chop a tree in half in front of you. I kid. More likely I’ll break my hand trying to chop a 2X4 in half. But I can always dream….

Super Ninja Out!

Ken-ichi

A buddy of mine suggested some anime for me and also gave me a hard drive filled with them. I know, you’re probably thinking that I’m a geek for watching anime. You’re not wrong…but there is more to it.

The thing that I really like about Japanese anime is that if you find the right one, it really expresses the beauty and simplicity of the Japanese culture. You may have to sift through hours of cartoon boobs and upskirts to find it, but it’s there.

The thing I’ve most learned through watching anime is that the Japanese idolize chivalry. Men being courageous and standing up for what they believe in, respect, love for your family, helping others, and perseverance are really evident in a lot of the anime I’ve seen. These values alone make it worth watching for me.

My wife gets mad at me when I have these shows on and my kids are in the room. She wants me to, “Put something more educational on like Wonderpets or Pets.TV.” I have to object though. Any show that emphasizes the afore-mentioned values is good for my kids to watch.

I’ve been so impressed by the genre that it’s caused me to think about doing a few things in my own life that I’ve seen while watching. I’m not going to go into those, but it basically involves improving my way of life. And don’t get me wrong, I watch and read adult material. But honestly, I’d rather watch “Kenichi” or “Capeta” than “Everybody Loves Raymond” or “House”. After watching anime with such innocence and high moral values its hard to go back to TV trash with needless drama and shallowness.